A WTF Day
by Lord Zing
Summary: SoulCaliburParties! Ivy's a conniving dominatrix, Siegfried's questioning his sexuality, Kilik is bored with it all, Raphael's trying to approach the confused and constantly bleeding Siegfried, and Maxi is just trying to fix Kilik's boredom.More inside
1. The Insanity Starts Here

**Full summary: **Ivy's a conniving dominatrix, Siegfried's questioning his sexuality, Kilik is bored with it all, Raphael's trying to approach the confused and constantly bleeding Siegfried, and Maxi is just trying to fix Kilik's boredom. _As a bonus_: Taki is seeking revenge on Mitsurougi, Sophitia is attempting to woo Taki and Zasalamel is making an idiot of himself... again. Oh, and by the way, Xianghua is screaming.

**Disclaimer**: I, _obviously_, do not own Soul Calibur I, II, or III. Nor do I own anything that has to do with it. Please, oh please, do not sue me.

**A message from Lord Zing:** If you are offended by any of this material that's too bad, because this is all in good humor. Here are your **WARNINGS**: This contains **humorous** **YAOI** and **YURI** and, gods forbid, **HETEROSEXUALITY**. If you want to flame, knock your socks off. I'll probably laugh and make fun of you in whatever chapter I'm in the midst of writing.

As for those of you who enjoy humor and torturing Siegfried just for the fun of it because you like him so much, please enjoy.

A WTF Day

Chapter One: The Insanity Starts Here

Everyone knew Ivy was no ordinary woman. She happened to be a tall, commanding creature with a driving fire in her eyes. To many she was an enigma. To others... Well, others didn't care so much about the enigma side of her as much as they cared about whether or not she was going to hit them.

Siegfried, on the other hand, knew more about Ivy than most. He was also terrified of her. He didn't hate her, but he was well aware she hated him. So when the intimidating woman smirked at him in that certain way that ran Siegfried's blood cold, he couldn't help but piss himself. Thankfully his armor covered his lower quarters. Ivy had left, giving the knight a chance to walk off in a stance that radiated "I'm-a-real-badass-but-I'm-not-trying-when-really-I-am". After all, he had to look formidable. In truth, the blond warrior was simply glad he hadn't shit himself, too. That would have been much more difficult to hide. Now, however, he was terribly, _terribly_ worried what the woman had in store for him.

Pushing his uncertainty and wet pants aside, Siegfried knew he was late. Raphael was throwing another one of those dementedly weird, but completely understandable parties. True, they were all enemies, out for each other's blood, but when Raphael threw a celebration everyone after the 'cursed sword' forgot their qualms for a day or two and kicked back to relax. Sometimes it lasted three or four days, depending on how drunk everyone was. Naturally, these celebrations were reserved for the rare moments - the moments when all of them agreed a good deed had been done.

What was the deed? It wasn't difficult to fathom.

Someone wiped the floor with Zasalamel's sorry ass. That in itself called for rejoice. After all, those seeking the 'cursed sword' hated the fucker. For example, several years ago when Zazie was attempting to put on an arrogant display in the presence of Raphael and Siegfried, he ended up tripping over his own robe with the elegance of a one-legged deer. Both the fencer and knight cheered. That was the first celebration. In the beginning, many fans erupted in protest, saying all the other members of Soul Calibur were just racist mother F-ing A-holes. But, truth be known, they were not.

Zazie was just an asshole. He was an asshole in the way that Sophitia was a hypocrite and didn't know it, but everyone else did. But since Sophitia's reasons for fighting seemed righteous no one ever said anything. She was a push over, anyway. Except when she took those raging charges and jumped on a person and proceeded to plow their skull into the earth over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Then she had a little respect. But she was still a hypocrite.

And so, the birth of the Soul Calibur parties emerged. All because Zazie got shown up, or made an idiot of himself. Whichever came first, it was fine either way.

Sighing heavily, Siegfried found a small stream to clean his pants in, hoping Raphael wouldn't be upset for his lateness like last time. For the Gods' sake he traveled by foot! What did the guy expect from him? Ivy always arrived on time, but she had a horse - and it was an ornery mother, too. No wonder Ivy liked the beast so much - they were perfect for one another! Siegfried wished he had a horse. A pretty one. With shiny fur and bows in its hair. He could pet it and finally have a companion that wouldn't betray or abandon him. He'd name it Excalibur, and it would be his best friend.

But where would he get a good horse? Hmmm... Maybe he could 'borrow' one from Raphael. The man had a corral full of ripped steeds. So they were demonic horses - who cared? Siegfried was positive he could find one that would like him.

Now that his pants were clean he could be on his way. Hopefully he wouldn't run into Ivy until he arrived. He feared her ornery horse, too. The woman would never let him live down the time her steed bit him in the ass and then tried to screw him. Yes, frighteningly enough, Ivy's horse had a thing for him. The kinky bastard.

Several hours later, Siegfried arrived... several hours late. Raphael exited his mansion to greet him, arms spread in a welcoming gesture.

"Siegfried, so good to see you!" Dark, glowing eyes slightly unsettled the knight, but the warm hands that grasped his in a cheery fashion informed him Raphael was already slightly drunk. He didn't need to worry. Raphael was harmless when intoxicated. Unless someone made him mad. Then all hell would break loose and everyone, except Siegfried since he was empty, would piss their pants.

"Come! Let us celebrate together!" Raphael turned around with amazing grace, taking into account his level of drunk-ness, and brushed swiftly towards his home. Siegfried absently wondered if 'drunk-ness' was an actual word before he followed, shamelessly mapping out the mansion's property in search of the corrals. He was relieved Raphael wasn't mad at him for being late. He was always the last one to arrive and, according to Maxi, the first one Raphael wanted to see. He couldn't for the life of him figure out why.

"Hurry, Siegfried! The others are waiting!"

Siegfried mumbled to himself, "Waiting for what?"

"You, of course!" Siegfried had forgotten how acute the man's hearing was, "Seeing as you're the one who defeated that idiotic, one-legged deer. Now come, we must get you out of that dreadful outfit and into something better suited for such an occasion." Siegfried was about to protest the insult to his attire but Raphael laughed that laugh of his - the one that made nearly everyone shudder and shut up. It wasn't necessarily a bad shudder, it was simply disturbingly addicting. Siegfried reframed from asking him to do it again and followed without question.

As he entered Raphael's personal room he found stacks of books littering the floor. The same as last time he was here. Raphael was a seeker of knowledge, he supposed. Siegfried happened to glance down as Raphael was digging through his walk-in closet. A stack of books that nearly rose to his shoulders caught his attention. The book on the top was titled, _1,001 Positions_. Siegfried turned away, not wanting to _know_ what that was about. Instead, he refocused his vision on the clothes flying out of the closet.

"Too drab! Too frilly! Too professional! Too loose! Too... Hm, here we are." The demonic man came stumbling into view, a pair of pants in his grasp. Siegfried's eyes grew to the size of golf balls.

"R-R-Raph... T-those..." The knight turned his face away with a blush, "Those will _not_ fit me!"

"Of course they will! Go put them on while I find you a shirt. Unless you'd rather go naked. I'm sure the ladies would love it."

"Alright!" Siegfried snatched the tiny black leggings from the man and turned swiftly toward the master bath to change. He knew Raphael meant it when he made those playful sounding threats.

As he entered the bathroom, nearly tripping over a stray book, he looked at his reflection in the gigantic mirror. He jumped, scaring himself. He was _filthy_! And, not to mention, there was the slight scent of urine still clinging to him.

"I need a shower."

"Then help yourself, but don't be too long. Everyone has been waiting for the man they plan to toast to." Raphael's sudden entrance caused Siegfried to jump again. A black shirt with a low V-neck was placed on the counter before the demon wandered off in search of more people to greet. The knight glared at the article. It looked like a woman's shirt. No doubt it was.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

Ivy knew she should hold off until a little later, but there was a certain alluring aura ensnaring the idea of torturing Siegfried all night she could not pass up. The bonus was that Siegfried wouldn't know she was behind it. So when she tapped the scentless, tasteless and potent herb into Siegfried's drink not even the Gods themselves could stop her lips from curving into a wicked smirk.

The woman was greatly pleased when the knight downed his drink less than a minute later.

_Good boy_. Ivy chuckled quietly to herself and left the immediate vicinity.

Siegfried found he was alone... again. Just as he was beginning to feel horribly lonely Maxi plopped down in the chair across from him with a frustrated exhale.

"That woman," Maxi growled, grabbing a glass of water, "I'm going to skin her alive if she doesn't knock it off." Siegfried suddenly felt worse - Maxi didn't even notice him.

"What's wrong?" He asked in hopes of lessening his loneliness.

"Xianghua, that's what." Maxi's knuckles had turned white, his death grip cracking the glass.

"Chattering constantly or hanging all over Kilik?" The knight reclined, ready for the entire session.

"Both!" Siegfried knew enough about Maxi's feelings for Kilik and deep loathe for Xianghua to understand one day the 'little bitch' was going to get what she deserved. The lesson that would be taught: Don't touch, fondle, kiss, steal or stand between something, or someone, Maxi really wanted. And Kilik was what he really wanted.

Siegfried shifted uncomfortably in his tight pants. They were form-fitting and too long. He had to roll the bottoms or use them as extra socks. Damn, another reminder that he was short. At least he didn't smell like piss. The shower he had taken was the most refreshing experience he had been granted in a long time.

Maxi continued on about his great loathe of the 'little bitch' and the way she hung all over Kilik. What the nunchaku-wielding warrior hated the most were the times she insisted upon making out with the man when poor, frustrated Maxi was present. It was as if she were intentionally screaming, "Ha, ha! Ya piss ant! Bet you wish you could do _this_!" Then she would fondle Kilik in the most annoying ways possible.

Maxi's eye twitched, a sign his resolve was running thin.

"What do you think I should do, Sieg?" Maxi propped his face on his palm, eyebrow raised. Siegfried, wondering how Maxi got his eyebrows to stay in such perfect forks, managed to form a response.

"Find an opportunity and go for it." Siegfried had thought Maxi had wandered into the subject of battle, forgetting Kilik was the main topic.

"Really? You think that will work?"

"Why wouldn't it?" Siegfried was confused. Maxi was becoming optimistic.

"Thanks, I'll try that." The dark-haired man left the table. Once again the knight was fighting off his loneliness and suicidal thoughts. He glanced about the extravagant room, finding many of his usual enemies floating about. Yoshimitsu was teaching Voldo the finer points of dancing and... something. He didn't really care. They were both nut jobs anyway. Let them swap their messed-up techniques.

Siegfried sighed. For once, he wished a really drunk, really easily manipulated Raphael would stop by.

Wait...

Why easily manipulated? Siegfried blinked. He had confused himself once again.

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

It was official. Xianghua had to go. Maxi merely needed a scheme and the right opportunity.

To his surprise the 'little bitch' had finally stopped drooling over the man and pranced off to talk with the lesbians, Taki and Sophitia. Seeing as all was clear, Maxi approached his friend and took a seat beside him on the sofa.

"Maxi," Kilik began, sounding unsure, "I'm bored." Maxi shook his head. Bored? He had been making out with someone and he was bored?

"Why?"

"I'm just tired of the same old things. We wander everyday. We stay at inns or sleep on the ground. We fight. Heh, we fight a lot. I guess I'd just like some variety. You know, try something new." Maxi studied Kilik carefully. The man's eyes were focused across the room so he didn't bother to hide the fact he was clearly staring. If he had any less control he would have been drooling like a poor, homo-starved yaoi fangirl.

Taking into account Kilik didn't seem to be doing much other than babbling on about how bored he was, and that Maxi was intent upon getting in some good old fashioned oogling, the story suddenly jumped elsewhere in the mansion.

Taki, in all her giant melon-boobed glory, was desperately trying to get away from the flirting Sophitia. She wasn't here to make friends; despite the fact everyone thought she was a lesbian. Her mission was to find Mitsurougi and beat the fucking tar out of him and that broom on his head. The dickhead had replaced one of her blades with a giant candy cane at the last party. Oh yes, she was out for revenge. Before the night was out she would have it.

Just then, Raphael, who had been primping, began walking down the center stairway of his mansion for all to see. He erupted into that completely demonic laugh of his. Everyone in earshot shuddered and promptly pissed themselves. Except for Siegfried, who was empty. Maxi and Kilik were spared, having been in a separate room going on with a delightful conversation about Pocky and the many flavors it came in. Kilik was smiling, wishing he had some, and Maxi was wondering how many naughty things a person could do with a stick of Pocky. He really, _really_ wanted to find out.

Raphael seemed not to notice the many frustrated groans that rose after his laugh. Those that had pissed their pants like a little eight-year-old with bladder issues flipped him the bird and shuffled off to change. For some reason, Ivy was also exempt from the piss party. Many later wondered why, but Ivy herself knew it was because the author happened to favor her and therefore kept her dignity, honor and never-to-be-shown-up nature intact. Ivy was indeed special. Besides, if she did piss herself there wouldn't be much getting wet. Sorry dudes, that's the way it is.

Seeking the man of the night, Raphael floated, or rather drifted lopsidedly, over to Siegfried. The knight, having heard the laugh, suddenly felt odd. His face dawned an entirely new shade of mauve. Those tight pants must have been cutting off circulation.

Raphael set a hand on the table and leaned back with grace any drunk person surly should have lacked. At that moment, when the demon's hips moved forward sexily, Siegfried's hand rocketed upward to cover his face. His nose exploded into a faucet of blood, red liquid shooting through his fingers like strands of silly string on crack. His face plowed into the top of the table and he began to shake almost violently, wondering why he suddenly had images of a very naked, and very _hot_, Raphael having fun with miscellaneous objects. He didn't even know objects like that existed, let alone why he was thinking about them. The fact it was Raphael running rampant and butt-naked through his mind only caused more horror. This was the man that tried to kill him on regular days. What the fuck was he doing frolicking around in _his_ head without any clothes? _Arahhgh!_

Though one side of him was most definitely disturbed, it was quite obvious the other side was turned on. A little too turned on, in the knight's opinion.

So there he was. Poor Siegfried Schtauffen, reduced to a pile of quivering blood and horniness. The author also took special time to make sure all the readers realized Lord Zing's Microsoft Word document with auto check did not mark 'horniness' as wrong. Therefore, it would be used with all the glory it deserved.

Moving back to Siegfried's current predicament showed not much had changed on the knight's part. Raphael was now staring with some measure of drunken concern at the sight. A fine eyebrow rose in question.

"Get into another play fight with Maxi, or are your allergies that bad?"

"Ffalergy." Siegfried, feeling he had successfully mutilated the word 'allergy', rose from the table, blood still slowly leaking a mini waterfall from his nose, and hastily left the room. Raphael scowled at the now stained carpet and settled for insulting the fine material for being so easily blemished.

After he had thoroughly reprimanded the carpet he went in search of the bleeding knight. He couldn't let the man mope about all day and night. Parties had to be thrown, people had to drink themselves into a stupor and, last but not least, Siegfried had to receive a toast. And he didn't mean the kind with butter and jam.

Actually, the author thought a piece of toast with jam sounded pretty damn good. Lord Zing left to go make some toast, thereby ending chapter one of _A WTF Day_.

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1.20.07


	2. Pocky, Punting and Petrification

**A message from Lord Zing:** BOO!

**A shout out from Lord Zing: **A great big, Zinggy hug goes out to all those who reviewed. Let's see... "angela the MALBRINGER" rocks my socks, "Cpt.ShaneSchofield" made me laugh, "?" was wonderfully honest, "krizzygirl206" and "An Assassin." liked _A WTF Day_ so much they put it on their favorites, which is among the best compliments an author can receive. Lord Zing is pleased.

Warnings: Same as chapter one... didn't read the first chapter warnings and don't want to check? Go back and read them, ya lazies (Lord Zing merely wanted to use that not-word).

A WTF Day

Chapter Two: Pocky, Punting and Petrification

Maxi had finally dragged Kilik out of his boredom phase. Now they were discussing all sorts of... stuff. Yes... stuff. And Pocky.

"What's your favorite?" Kilik swung his legs like a giddy, feminine uke.

"I go for original, so plain chocolate is fine." Maxi, failing to get the memo that clearly stated chocolate would no longer be called 'plain chocolate', but 'milk chocolate', went on with his life unaware some demonic 'milk chocolate' enforcing cult was stalking him.

"I like mine with nuts," Kilik's ability to maintain an innocent face when he said that caused Maxi to flush. Was he... teasing him? No! Certainly not! He mentally shook himself back to reality. Kilik had the 'little bitch' and Maxi had no one, all because he was named after a feminine hygiene product.

"What's wrong?" Kilik looked very concerned, "You don't like nuts?"

"No! It's just that..." A darker blush, "Nothing, never mind."

"I think they add a lot of spunk to a meal. A little variety - something different and welcome. Personally, I like to suck all the chocolate off first." Was it Maxi, or did Kilik sound sultry when he talked about Pocky?

"Uh..." He blinked, stupefied and stuttering, "Y-yeah. S-sounds great."

"Are you sure you're alright?" Kilik's brow furrowed in that adorably irresistible style of cuteness that made all rabid fangirls within eyesight squeal in delight and faint. Greatly concerned for his best friend, Kilik reached out to touch Maxi's bright cheeks, soon turning his hand over and pressing it to the man's forehead. Maxi's brain imploded.

"You're really hot."

_So are you_, Maxi thought with a heavy swallow. This was, of course, after his brain had gathered enough sense to un-implode itself.

"Maybe you should go lie down for awhile."

_Only if you come with me_, Maxi nearly passed out when Kilik slid an arm around his waist and helped him to his feet. At that point he needed the assistance.

"Come on, Raphael won't mind if we borrow a room for awhile. Let's go rest up before we have to leave." Maxi's brain was now tap dancing to the Alphabet song. Which, the author would like to note, is very complicated. What's more so is the fact he did it without trying. So, all the kids, teens and adults reading _A WTF Day_ should know that, under the correct circumstances (i.e. You are a nunchaku wielding smartass with a thing for your hot best friend and the two of you happen to have conversations about things involving chocolate (i.e. Pocky), and nuts.), you, too, could have your brain tap dance to the Alphabet song.

Meanwhile, since the author is too damn lazy to describe Kilik and Maxi's adventure to the bedroom and couldn't think of anything else that was funny other than rabid sock monsters, _A WTF Day_ moved on to oogle Taki's Jell-O boobies.

Now, some people think a straight woman oogling another (supposedly) straight woman's boobs means the first straight woman is slightly 'swingish' (not a real word). However, the idiots that say this are the ones that have never seen Taki's overgrown water balloons. If they had they, too, would have succumbed to their hypnotic abilities. The effect is not so much of a turn-on for most people as it is the eighth wonder of the world. Scientists have tried, and failed, to explain why Taki's boobs are as big as they are and why they flop like yesterdays hard taco shells that have been soaking all night in grease.

The author, feeling quite proud of that last bit of creativity, decided to inform all the readers just what the hell was going on in Taki's world.

Turns out, not much at all was going on. Sophitia was still flirting and Taki was still attempting to hunt down Mitsurougi. The author had become bored with their lack of progress and decided to spice up the chapter.

Taki was now standing on top of a table, in plain sight, trying to remain hidden while she sought out the cocky, punk-ass samurai that would be shitting blood 'till next week Tuesday.

Sophitia had found a harp somewhere on the floor and decided to try serenading Taki. Not surprisingly, she failed. It wasn't her singing voice. Oh my no. Not even close. It was the song. She was singing Camptown Races, and Taki happened to hate the song.

So when Sophitia opened her mouth and belted out the lyrics... Taki lost it. She lost it so well her boobs danced the rhythm to the Alphabet song when she punted the idiotic blond in the ass and sent her flying. Sophitia enjoyed the feeling of flight for about 3.2287459 seconds before she made contact with a grand piano. The harp was spared, having been dropped soon after the woman's departure from the floor.

Still fuming from her deep loathe of the song, Taki thundered off, boobs leading the way, into the next room. Unfortunately for Taki, Sophitia took the abuse as a sign of love and affection, because that's how Gladiator woman/Lesbians are.

Insane, right? No! That's not what it meant. Lesbians are actually quite normal, contrary to all the religious interpretations that rant about homosexuality being a bad thing. In fact, homosexuality has always been a good thing. Many don't realize it but this entity called 'God' doesn't, and never has, hated homosexuals. You see, it all started out as a contest between this 'God' and some all-powerful woman named Mother Nature. 'God' and Mother Nature had a thing against one another. So, like rivals, they attempted to outdo one another at every turn.

'God' made man, and he loved all his children - whether they be male or female, blonde or brunette. Mother Nature, having seen this creation, countered with disease, famine, plague (Yes, it was her) and, last but not least, homosexuality. So you see, those who interpret religious writings that say homos are 'bad' are all wrong, because 'God' loves all his creations. He just has a grudge against Mother Nature for playing around with them and not asking permission first. There you have it. Mother Nature found a loophole in the system by creating homos, and it's a good thing she did because it is now one of nature's ways of curbing overpopulation.

So homos should not only be accepted, but also praised for their efforts of keeping humans more in check.

Strangely enough, lesbians and homosexual men were the last items on Taki's mind. The author couldn't possibly fathom why, but decided to leave it at that and continue onward.

Other than Kilik and Maxi's untold battle with rabid sock monsters, and Taki's display of her loathe of Camptown Races, not much else of interest was happening except for the hyperventilating Siegfried. Like a school girl who had just discovered she was pregnant, Siegfried was panicking.

And he was panicking but _good_.

The level of 'freak out' he had reached went beyond normal boundaries. He couldn't understand why he was suddenly having all these disturbingly kinky thoughts. To top it all off he was having such thoughts of another man. Since the author already delivered the speech about homos being completely acceptable, she figured it best to simply say Siegfried was petrified. After all, when had he started liking men? Did all homosexual men instantly become homosexual one day when they weren't paying attention? If so, he was sorry he ever stopped paying attention. And why the hell did they have naughty thoughts 24/7? Lord Zing reframed from telling him that part was merely due to him being a male under the influence of a natural aphrodisiac.

Siegfried felt like curling into a little ball and crying out his frustrations in the hopes he would pass out and forget all the sexy images he had seen in the past ten minutes.

He really needed a hug. From a guy. A really sexy guy. Named Raphael.

Siegfried mentally shrieked in alarm and then promptly went right back to those thoughts.

Raphael, who was looking for the knight, wandered into his library. As it turned out Siegfried was, in fact, in the library. He was hiding cleverlessly (another not-word) in the anime and manga section. Raphael, smelling the blood, found him easily.

"There you are," he lowered himself to his hands and knees to be at the knight's level, "You can't hide in here, Siegfried! We must prepare the honors." Siegfried wasn't thinking about preparing honors, he was actually thinking about preparing something else.

Siegfried's eyes avoided looking at Raphael, "I'm thorry, Raff, but I can't movth right now."

"Oh," the demonic man looked sad, "Alright. We can read until you can move."

"Fanks." The knight, holding a now blood stained tablecloth to his nose, decided it would be best if he tried to calm his mind. As Raphael went about finding some reading material, humming like a vibrator Siegfried noted, the short man began a yoga session. He didn't particularity like yoga, but when he was young his father gave him the choice of either yoga classes or ballet. To avoid humiliation in his youth, he chose yoga. Oddly enough, all his male classmates chose ballet. As it turned out, ballet could actually improve one's fighting ability. So while Siegfried's classmates took ballet he slept through most of his Yoga lessons. He was highly disappointed because he learned nothing about bears stealing pick-eh-nick baskets.

What he did learn was how to pace his breathing and relax. So there he was, pacing his breathing and trying to relax. It didn't take him long. All he had to do was think of his Yoga instructor and he was instantly half asleep.

Shaking his head, Siegfried lifted his chin and opened his eyes. What he saw was not Raphael reading, nor was it Raphael staring at him. What it was happened to be Raphael humming while searching for a book. Unless a person is upskirting one wouldn't think of book searching as being particularity sexual, but this book searching was a little different. First of all, the author felt readers should be well aware Raphael is known for wearing form-fitting pants (Sexiness: plus 4). He is also known for his extremely tight tush (Sexiness: plus 6). And it can't be overlooked that Raphael is always striking some pose that best compliments him and his tight tush (Sexiness: plus 8). So while Siegfried was too dumbfounded to do the math, Raphael's total score of 18 out of 15 made him high on many rapists' lists. Fortunately, Raphael often beat the piss and shit out of rapists he came across.

What the knight did see was Raphael on his hands and knees, humming, with his tight tush about a foot from Siegfried's face. Many would expect Siegfried to have an instant replay of minutes earlier and burst into a fire hose of blood. What actually happened was similar to a natural event.

The Discovery Channel (Which the author of this story does not own any part of and is merely borrowing it for reference's sake) often shows nature in the best context. Whether it be lions getting it on or arctic glaciers collapsing due to the out-of-control and terrifying global warming, the Discovery Channel reigns supreme! The channel also loves to show many documentaries and flaunt the fact it knows how to spell, and pronounce, the word pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis. This word happens to be a respiratory disease found in people who inhale volcanic ash as well as the supposed longest word in the English dictionary. Now, volcanoes are known for pressure building up in the earth and then erupting, but if the top of a volcano where to, say, not blow, all the pressure would be forced to go elsewhere.

So when Siegfried's eyes locked onto that demonically hot tight tush he felt the pressure building up in his sinuses once again. Pathetically enough, the knight wasn't thinking and clamped his nose shut to prevent a replay of the silly string on crack explosion. Taking into account the blood didn't have a chance of escaping past the man's death grip, it took different paths.

Raphael, still humming casually, didn't hear or notice the cataclysmic eruption. Siegfried, quaking terribly, was covered in fresh blood. His mouth had magically formed Siegfried Falls, his ears Drum Fountain, and his eyes Tear Duct Torrents. He was in an unbelievable amount of pain and if it weren't for the fact he was already leaking tears of blood he may have started crying. His crossed legs began trembling and he fell forward on them, holding the ruined tablecloth to his silently sobbing face.

Lord Zing, feeling sympathy for the poor, adorable and bloodied knight, felt a need to make him feel better. Or at least, make an effort to.

Raphael, hearing the squeak of Siegfried's tight pants, turned around to look at a mop of still slightly damp blond hair.

"Siegfried," the demon turned about and planted his tight tush on the carpet, "Not that it's any of my concern, but don't you think you should get those allergies checked out?"

Siegfried whimpered pitifully.

"Oh, come now! Don't be so adverse!" Raphael began rubbing the man's back for comfort, "Get up here and let me clean you off." Siegfried felt insistent hands begin to tug him up and he immediately screwed his eyes shut. As long as he didn't look at Raphael he should be fine.

Once Raphael had the knight sitting, for the most part, upright he couldn't help but pause and furrow his brow. He knew humans shocked easily, but he wasn't expecting Siegfried to be as jittery as a cracked out mouse with ADD. He set his hands on the knight's shoulders to steady him.

"Look at you. It's as if you got into a fight with Ivy when she was going through her cycle!"

Siegfried groaned miserably, eyes twitching as tiny, stabbing needles fluttered beneath his eyelids. The demon began to carefully remove the rivers of blood from the knight's chin, using the tarnished tablecloth. The tablecloth was a good idea, but according to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Which is also not owned by the author) they were supposed to be using a towel. Raphael and Siegfried, not knowing a damn thing about the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, were quite content to defy the laws of ridiculousness and use the $500 tablecloth.

In the midst of cleaning his miserable friend, Raphael suddenly stopped and looked at the interesting designs of blood.

His mouth opened slightly, revealing his fangs, and he spoke, "Such a waste." Siegfried, trying harder to stay eruption-free than listen to the man's words, could have sworn there was a change in atmosphere. He suddenly felt... threatened. He shook off those thoughts like a dog trying to shake off heebee-jeebees (aka, fleas), figuring it must be his overactive mind at that point. He also ignored it when the back of his skull made contact with the carpet. Surly this was part of being cleaned... right? Or maybe he was being laid down because of blood circulation. Yeah... yeah that was it. Blood circulation.

To occupy his mind, Siegfried began to think of cute things. Like bunnies. Bunnies with floppy ears and cute faces, hopping through a field of grass and butterflies. Sadly, the synapses in Siegfried's brain associated rabbits with rampant breeding and he ended back at square one with naughty images. But, the readers should know, the images were not of rabbits. Well, not entirely. Snippets of Raphael in a bunny suit flashed through Siegfried's mind before he quickly banished them with a frustrated groan.

Meanwhile, as Siegfried was lying down on the job and Raphael was being predatory, the girls were being complete nuts. One could say Cassandra, Talim and Xianghua were already wound up enough to begin with, but for the sake of this gimpy plotline they were high on pixie stix. The three of them had been sitting on the floor in a circle, taking turns laughing at each other's nuttiness.

The author was extremely surprised to discover 'nuttiness' was actually a word and decided to adopt it as a new best friend. Lord Zing would call it Nut-ness, and that would be its nickname (If that made no sense please raise your hand).

Xianghua, who had decided they needed some more material, excused herself with uncontrollable, hiccupping giggles and headed toward the library. The readers should have seen this coming, if they had bothered to read the full summary clearly posted at the beginning of chapter one.

Aside from her annoyingly chipper skipping, Xianghua had to sing her favorite song. As she traveled through the main entrance she giggled out the words to 'Henry the VIII'.

She suddenly became dead silent as she entered the library, knowing people were expected to be quiet in libraries. In truth, Xianghua was merely afraid the strict library gnomes would take her away if she made too much noise. At least that's what Maxi told her would happen. Therefore, she was always careful and on the lookout for the creatures that were said to enjoy sucking the blood of young women who liked to make out with hot men named Kilik. According to her brain, she was at high risk.

Silently she stepped up to a bookshelf of manga and began browsing the titles. She hadn't been there long when a low, frustrated groan caught her attention. Curiously, she looked to her right and furrowed her brow. What was...? Oh my... Covering her mouth to prevent herself from screaming, Xianghua's brain began to do back flips (She was not, however, talented enough to have her brain tap dance to the Alphabet song.).

Lying on the floor was Siegfried, looking like he had a migraine, with Raphael on top of him. The man had the knight pinned, or so it appeared, and was now leaning closer to his prey. Xianghua executed the single action she could manage - she walked ten steps away and promptly fainted, hitting the floor like a lead paperweight on a diet.

Siegfried, who had recently finished his instant replay of his frustrated groan, suddenly felt something warm and wet on his face. His eyes popped open like bubble wrap and locked on the demon above him. Raphael was... he was... he was... was...

Licking him.

As a matter of fact Raphael _was_ licking Siegfried, but it wasn't the affectionate type of licking one might expect. It was a predator's lick, signifying Siegfried was in a certain amount of danger he currently wasn't aware of. His brain was simply too busy trying to stop every pore on his being from magically transforming into its own little fountain. Instead, he settled for forcing himself to pass out. And that's exactly what he did.

As Siegfried slept Raphael received his evening snack, loving the taste of a guilt-stricken, overly stressed, freaked-out, once possessed and currently drugged knight's blood.

Sadly, Lord Zing felt it necessary to return to studying, and therefore went off to play some Soul Calibur III for the PS2. This, inevitably, ended chapter two of _A WTF Day_.

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Poll #1

If you were a conniving yaoi fangirl which two guys would you toss together like a salad?

a. Siegfried and Raphael

b. Kilik and Maxi

c. Siegfried and Kilik

d. Maxi and Raphael

e. Kilik and Raphael

f. Maxi and Siegfried

g. Why the hell are there only four characters? (Cheater's answer)

h. Other (name 'em)

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7.29.06


	3. Smooches, Squishes and Seduction

**A message from Lord Zing:** Hmm… College and Deviantart keep Lord Zing busy… too busy.

**A shout out from Lord Zing: **There are too many of you to name individually so… thank you all! Your words are muchly appreciated!

**Warnings:** Lord Zing posted those in chapter one. If you desire to read the warnings… go find chapter one.

A WTF Day

Chapter Three: Smooches, Squishes and Seduction

The first action Lord Zing took when beginning chapter three of A _WTF Day_ was to make sure the library gnomes hadn't done (completely) away with Xianghua. Because even though it's been months since _A WTF Day_ was updated Lord Zing had given the gnomes strict orders not to rid the world of her annoying, if kinda-sorta required existence. Also, the author still needed her for some sort of plot device... thingy... majig.

The second thing the author did was glance over the list of reviews and reviewers. In a way Lord Zing was pleased. In another way Lord Zing was curious as to how the reviewers (or just plain readers) would react to the plotline once it was revealed. Insanity takes many forms. Such as Yoshimitsu - but that was not part of the plotline and therefore Lord Zing tossed it like two week old, mold-infested popcorn shrimp. At that, some crazy doctor in Alaska was screaming, begging for Lord Zing to recover the moldy breaded sea creature in hopes it could provide medicine. Lord Zing ignored the scream, knowing it was merely a hippie under the influence of too much moldy popcorn shrimp.

And so, life in the Sorel mansion continued once Lord-Zing stopped straying from the subject. Xianghua, who had been lying unconscious on the floor of Raphael's library, awoke to a rather unpleasant poking. It wasn't to be confused with the pleasant type of poking, which one usually receives from friends. No, this was a rude poking. It was coming from a small gnome named Joe, who wanted the wretched creature out of his reference section (Later he would be filing a complaint with Lord Zing for the leaving the stinky human in his library for months on end). Truly, Joe wouldn't have minded as much if the girl had enough sense to pass out ten steps away in the manga section.

When Xianghua's eyes focused on the short, bearded critter she sat up slowly, gaping at grumpy old Joe as though she were the descendent of a goldfish.

"I'm not real." said Joe, and began to waddle off. Xianghua shook her head and refocused her eyes, finding the gnome was gone. The continually unanswered question of "HTH (How The Hell) did he move so fast?", often asked when a person is viewing a movie and one of the characters is standing in plain sight about to get caught and is suddenly cleverly concealed, would continued to go on unanswered because Lord Zing is simply that cruel.

Chocking it up to her earlier blackout, Xianghua decided the gnome, along with her strange images of Raphael on top of Siegfried, were all bad dreams. Besides, there was no sight of Siegfried or Raphael. There was, however, a pretty red and white tablecloth lying abandoned on the floor.

Seeing as the author had suddenly become bored with Xianghua's laziness and refusal to move, the 'little bitch' was suddenly booted in the butt by an invisible force. She flew through a long, boring description of herself traveling toward another room. But, before she arrived, the author had to freeze frame her until the appropriate moment arrived.

Meanwhile... in another room...

"Is that better?" Kilik leaned back, pressing up on Maxi's spine and drawing out a dozen or so cracks.

Maxi, who was in some elated state, sighed heavily, "Yeah..." He felt better already. Now, if only Kilik would-

_CRACK!_

"Hi Kilik!"

- get the 'little bitch' off of him. Maxi wheezed in pain. Xianghua, who had been instantly unfrozen, was now sitting on the pirate's upper back and shoulders. Maxi's now abused back, not ready for the motion, felt like it had broken in half.

"Xiang..." Kilik blinked, afraid she may have seriously harmed poor Maxi, "Xianghua... you're... you're-"

"Glad to see you! I missed you!" She immediately attached herself to Kilik in a death lock that clearly said she didn't want him touching anyone else. Maxi, whose break in heaven had suddenly turned into a visit to hell, was growling. The string that held his temper together was fraying. His eye was twitching spastically like a hyperventilating moth and his body was beginning to tremble with increasing rage. Kilik, swallowing, removed the small woman from Maxi's back and set her to the side. After taking a seat beside the girl, he managed to unknowingly calm Maxi's rising blood pressure by rubbing his back. He was merely trying to sooth the pain he was sure the woman had inflicted upon his best friend, not aware he had stopped an atomic bomb named 'Big Maxi' from being dropped on city 'Xianghua'.

Kilik, still rubbing his friend's back, tipped his head in curiosity, "Xianghua, where have you been?"

"And why are you still here?" Maxi murmured beneath his breath. Xianghua was oblivious, but Kilik proved he had heard by switching from rubbing to scratching the smartass. He chuckled lightly - a sound that would send an entire flock of fan girls swooning for a week.

"I've been talking with the girls but decided I should make sure you weren't getting into trouble." She tapped his nose in one of those grossly sappy, heterosexual moments that made Lord Zing cringe and then suppress lunch from making a round trip. This reaction from the writer may have been brought on by the fact Lord Zing's first impression of Kilik and Xianghua was that they were brother and sister. Therefore, Lord Zing viewed them that way for almost a year until Soul Calibur III came out and the lazy ass finally read their profiles to discover they were, in no way, related. Yes, the author had been scarred for life.

Many readers are probably thinking Lord Zing does not like Xianghua. However, this is not true. Xianghua can be quite entertaining and adorable to the writer at times... but those times are few and far between.

Kilik, clearing his throat as if to cue the writer to stop rambling, continued, "Why would you think I'm getting into trouble?" He flashed his sweetest smile. A small grade earthquake suddenly shook the continent as fan girls passed out simultaneously. Strangely, no one in the Sorel mansion noticed the quake. It was far too normal an occurrence.

"Because you're not allowed to get into trouble... without me." She batted her eyes before leaning forward to engage in a long, drawn out smooch.

Lord Zing had conniption fits. Maxi had twitching fits (And yes, they were fits matching the rhythm to the Alphabet song). So, for the sake of the writer's insanity, _A WTF Day_ moved to the next subject. Since Siegfried was still passed out somewhere, having Lord Zing knows what done to him, Taki and Sophitia were automatically next on the list.

Taki's search for Mitsourugi continued. She soon located the samurai and darted around a corner, plastering her back to a wall. Sadly, her giant bust poked past the edge, defeating her efforts to remain hidden. No one could mistake those hooters.

The broom-haired man was laughing heartily, apparently drunk, and slapping an irritated Yun-Seong on the back. From the looks of it the young man was trying to peacefully eat some Pocky and the samurai was distracting him.

Drawing her blades, Taki caught sight of her window of opportunity. The Japanese man had turned around and combined with his drunken state, made himself an easy target.

Like a cat with a snapping turtle on its tail, Taki leapt. She landed with grace matched only by a... by a... by a...

Lord Zing searched the computer desk. Fierce author-eyes locked onto a half-eaten package of America's Favorite Cookie. Suddenly, Lord Zing had it.

Continuing...

She landed with grace matched only by a carton of milk-laden, soggy Oreos. This, of course, meant her boobs did most of the motion. She rose swiftly and pushed her top-heavy weight forward to instigate a run.

Sadly, she was never given the chance. Sophitia, who was now desperate for the 'beautiful' shinobi's attention, locked her lesbian/gladiator arms around Taki's ankles. This cut off the oriental woman's charge and since Taki was, as mentioned earlier, top-heavy, she fell flat.

Interestingly enough, the reaction was not a solid face plant like Taki-haters were hoping for. Instead, it resembled the reaction of those annoying, disrespectful and taunting kids' toys that inflate and have some sort of rocks in the base to keep them from remaining tipped over.

Taki clearly did not have rocks in her base, but she did have a rack the size of two overgrown pumpkins. So, when Taki's massive bust came into contact with the floor, the two pumpkin-like protrusions emitted a strange, never-been-heard-before squishing noise. Having been compressed _far_ too much, both boobs propelled her back to her feet, then past her feet, and sent her crashing to the floor where the back of her skull made contact with the marble flooring (Lord Zing chose marble flooring for the sheer purpose that it was a tough surface. In truth, Lord Zing has no idea what people used for flooring back in the day).

Not surprisingly, the female shinobi was rendered unconscious. Now, two occupants in the Sorel mansion were sleeping.

Siegfried and Taki, both in la-la land, shared an interesting dream about sake-drinking rabbits with broom-like hairstyles and tight fencing pants. The combination of their dreams would later give them daymares (Not nightmares, because Siegfried specifically stated in Soul Calibur III that, "I'm done... with Nightmares." Therefore, the knight was a partial insomniac.).

Lord Zing decided to leave Sophitia to clean up the mess she had caused, including the blood eeking (yes, _eeking_) from Taki's head. Apparently, "eeking" was another not-word, but Lord Zing figured the readers were clever enough to figure out the meaning it was meant to bestow.

Ivy, who had been neglected so far, made a trip to the top story of the grand mansion. Her high heels increased her height from 5' 10" to 6' 1", making her the most intimidating woman on the face of the Earth. Anyone in their right mind would fear Ivy Valentine, especially if they had seen the E3 video on Soul Calibur III where she slaughtered nearly everyone and paid extra-special attention to Sophitia.

Yes, Ivy was the pinnacle of intimidation/sexiness in a woman. Entertainingly enough, she was also the pinnacle of inspiration to Lord Zing.

Reaching the top of the stairs without error, Ivy easily found Raphael's room. She entered, not bothering to knock, and found Siegfried sleeping on a large bed. Raphael wasn't in attendance, which she thought to be odd.

Siegfried's body was as limp as over-boiled noodles, minus the squishiness.

"Ivy," Raphael, who suddenly moved into the room from behind Ivy, nearly purred, "We meet again."

Turning, Ivy smirked and not only matched the demonic man's sexy glare, but surpassed it with ease. Raphael made a mental note to try and bribe Lord Zing with Oreos later.

"The guests are becoming restless. They want the toast out of the way and the feast to begin."

"Of course they do!" Raphael chuckled, "But as you can clearly see Siegfried is taking a nap! I'm sure his long journey wore him out, what with you failing to offer him a ride on your pony!"

"I see you've not only read chapter one but," Ivy's smirk grew, "You'll have to stay here until he wakes." Raphael had to summon all his demonic sexy-coolness to reframe from making whoopsie in his britches. He was quite proud when he held out until the woman had left and closed the door.

Cursing, Raphael went to take a shower.

Sometime later, meaning one sentence after Raphael went to take a shower, Siegfried began to stir. He first realized he felt lightheaded, which eventually led to his brain discovering he was also on a large, comfortable bed. He plopped back and muttered some pretty German words. They were words Lord-Zing didn't recognize, as Lord-Zing is not fluent in alien languages, but _knew_ happened to be cursing. A note to wash the knight's mouth out with soap later was made.

As Siegfried rested, thankful for the momentary silence, he cast his thoughts to how he was going to wrangle one of those demonic horses in the stables.

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Outside the Sorel mansion stood one of the few invited guests. Despite the bright, sun-shiny day it was, an ominous shadow loomed around the figure. Eyes blazed with heated intensity, thick with a vengeance-seeking drive. Thunder sounded and a crackling followed.

With one casual step the three-legged deer exited the ominous darkness to have the sun strike at him with angry UV rays. The ominous cloud snarled and dissipated, having served its purpose.

Zasalamel's sickle shone blindingly in the sunlight as he approached the mansion. He would have his revenge on Raphael and Siegfried. _Especially_ Siegfried. How dare the cretins make a fool out of him. He was going to rough Siegfried up and then hang his boxers from a battle tower.

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A WTF Day

Chapter Three Post-Interview

Since Lord-Zing took sweet time in updating Chapter Three of _A WTF Day_, it is only proper to include some extras for the readers. Therefore, this section will be composed of an interview.

Interview One: Kilik

"So," Lord Zing shuffled some papers as though to give the impression of reading important interview questions, "What do you think of your part in _A WTF Day_?"

Kilik, sitting in an elaborately decorated chair with legs crossed casually, responded, "Well, I think the boredom phase I'm going through is quite the obstacle. Think about it. So many young people now a day face the very same problem. I mean – imagine how many skipped over this interview section because they were too lazy to read it or thought it was not important!"

"Hm, I see your point," Lord Zing raised an eyebrow, somewhat agreeing with the unimportance of the interview, "But we'll prove to them that this interview is very important."

"Oh yes, most definitely."

"Kilik, do you find it odd that so many individuals in this word, namely the fanfiction world, put words into your mouth?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Lord Zing took pause.

"Could you better explain the question?"

"…No."

"…Oh."

"But I do want to thank you for this most un-enlightening conversation. Here, have this complementary word."

"COOKIES!" Kilik covered his mouth, wondering where his sudden outburst had come from (The word 'COOKIES' brought to you by The Random Word Generator).

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Poll #2

If you were a conniving yuri fanboy, which two girls would you have roll in the hay?

a. Ivy and Taki

b. Ivy and Sophitia

c. Taki and Sophitia

d. Taki and Setsuka

e. Xianghua and Talim

f. Xianghua and Cassandra

g. Ivy and Tira

h. Other (name 'em)

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1.20.07


	4. Getting Lucky, By L Zing

**A message from Lord Zing:** Have no fear, chapter four is here!

**A shout out from Lord Zing: **AHHHHHHAAAHHHHHAAHHH! Ahem.

**Warnings:** Find chapter three. It will refer you to another chapter. Sadly, this chapter has not been edited by anyone other than Zing. Therefore, there are more than likely multiple errors I have not caught as of yet. Feel free to bring my attention to any you find, no matter how miniscule they may seem.

A WTF Day

Chapter Four:

Getting Lucky, by L. Zing

The first thing Lord Zing did when starting chapter four was set the tabs. After that was out of the way, Lord Zing decided to wait a week before starting this sentence. Then writer's block set in. To counteract that, Lord-Zing wrote this sentence in hopes it would inspire an idea.

It didn't work.

However, remembering the adoring fans and many nice comments on previous chapters, Lord Zing buckled down for the long haul.

Starting off chapter four was Siegfried, who was currently wobbling around Raphael's humongous room, trying to avoid quivering towers of books. They were obviously trying to imitate a tall, cylindrical shaped tower of Jell-O. Considering they were solid, square-shaped objects and _still_ resembled Jell-O, their extraordinary acting received awards.

Siegfried stared at one particular tower of books, so distracted by it's quivering he crashed into another tower. This caused the tower to literally spew books across the room, hitting other towers and causing one massive monster of a domino effect. The sound of books tumbling to the floor had frozen the knight in place as much as a wobbling, lightheaded, blood-lacking knight could be frozen in place.

By the time the dozens of towers had collapsed, Siegfried noted, with some optimism, that one tower had remained standing. Staying to pick the books up would have been the right and polite action to take.

Siegfried headed for the door, intent upon grabbing a buff demon horse and riding until the horse absolutely refused to go another step. _Then_ he would take the time to put pretty bows in 'Excalibur's' hair. Just as a dopey smile came to Siegfried's lips it left as he biffed it on a particularly thick book about the history of yo-yos, and landed face-down in a cluster of books. His graceless belly flop would have scored a 7 on the bad technique scale, meaning he would have scored a 3 on a normal scale.

Groaning, the knight opened his weary blue eyes, nose in the center crease of a leather-bound book. Focusing, his eyes looked at the colorful, attention-grabbing pictures in the book. Siegfried, who was never one for picture books or books in general, found he actually liked this one. It was the liking of the images that made blood well up in his sinuses.

He performed some odd sort of reverse jackknife that resembled a flopping fish and scrambled away, practically swimming through the piles of novels until his back was against the bed. He panted, whimpering lightly and rubbing his face with his hands. The images had been from a book labeled, 'The Joys of Pupils". Anyone who knew that in the old days men took in young boys and trained them in the ways of battle could guess the book was about raising an apprentice. However, the book was lying open to a page in the chapter titled "Lessons on Sex". This enticed yet disturbed Siegfried.

"Siegfried, what are you doing on the floor?" Raphael, fresh from his shower and clad only in one of those ridiculously small hotel towels, stepped into the room. Siegfried made the mistake of looking up from his hands.

His jaw dropped like an anvil and he felt tears, regular tears and not blood, sting his eyes. He couldn't take it anymore.

"Raphael." He nearly growled, getting to his feet and using the bed as support. Before the demonic man had time to formulate a response he found the knight was across the room and standing in front of him. With skill gained through one too many encounters with hotel towels that had the hots for him, Siegfried de-toweled Raphael in one swift move.

Raphael was startled. Quite badly.

Siegfried's hands snapped out and grabbed the demonic man about his broad shoulders. Raphael stared, eyes the size of dilated golf balls.

With a roar Siegfried launched Raphael onto the king sized bed. Raphael, in his birthday suit, bounced several times before coming to a stop. Abruptly, he sat up using his elbows as support and saw a flurry of long blond hair fan out behind the special addition Siegfried in Flight Model. The knight pounced, pinning his prey to the bed and bared his teeth in a feral manner. Raphael was reminded of the dangerous beast living under his porch. It was the one with fangs and claws that would eviscerate anyone who went near it (What others did not know was that the vicious beast was Raphael's cat that had, years ago, sat down on a tack and never had it removed).

Swallowing roughly and staring into the eyes of a man that had clearly found the end of his rope and failed to hang on, Raphael didn't dare move.

Then he was smothered.

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Maxi, after he was done having conniption fits and tired of seeing Xianghua attempting to fulfill her heterosexual female fantasy, decided to wait. He had a plan. It wasn't a very elaborate plan, but it was a plan he knew would work. If Maxi knew Kilik's boredom as well as he liked to think he did, then there was no way his plan would fail. And it wouldn't, because Lord Zing deemed it so. And in the world of _A WTF Day_, Lord Zing's deeming is _law_.

Kilik finally managed to end the kiss, far too bored to continue. It was the same every time Xianghua kissed him. It was chaste, gentle and quite truthfully… ordinary.

Maxi hid a smirk behind his hand, leaning against the bedstead in wait. The entire idea of Xianghua and Kilik not minding the fact Maxi was sitting there watching amused Lord Zing. Again, though, this is Lord Zing's deeming, which is law.

"Kilik," Xianghua bore a look of worry, "is there something wrong?"

Kilik opened his mouth to respond, but in one of those horribly predictable (that might not have been so predictable seeing as this is Lord Zing) moments he was interrupted.

Maxi managed a serious but also playful tone, "He's bored." Maxi and Lord Zing were entertained to no end when Xianghua's face contorted in a glare that said, _are you saying I'm boring, inexperienced, ugly, not-worth-it, have anger issues, AND my butt is too big while my breasts are too small?_

Instead, her glare was summed up in one, irritated, dangerous-woman-mode word, "_Whaaaaat?_"

"He's bored," Maxi repeated then turned his eyes to Kilik who looked afraid for Maxi's health, "and I think I can help." Xianghua, all too aware of Maxi's attraction to Kilik, was already falling into jealous mode as she backed off Kilik and faced the dark-haired threat.

Maxi smirked in one of those creepy-yet-sexy ways, "What's the matter, Xianghua? Afraid you'll be outdone?" Kilik was sweetly unaware that he was witnessing what could unfold to be one of the planet's most bloody disemboweling moments. Xianghua may have been small and quick, but she wasn't as quick as Maxi. After all, Maxi had lived on a ship with an entire crew of men. He learned to be on his guard, lest he end up someone's bitch.

Xianghua glared for all she was worth, which to Lord Zing wasn't much, as Maxi rose from his place on the bed and walked to stand between the female and Kilik. She glared harder – or at least tried - but she only managed to mangle her expression like a super-heated rubber band.

An intimidating shadow suddenly crossed Maxi's face, radiating the impression he was some demon after Xianghua's innards. The short female took a step back, one arm rising in defense, and she swallowed hard.

Taking Siegfried's advice of 'find an opportunity and go for it', Maxi did just that and pounced on Kilik. This pounce led to some man-handling, man-kissing, and man-noises-that-make-yaoi-fangirls-swoon-ridiculously. Unfortunately for Xianghua, she was not a yaoi fangirl.

Xianghua's mouse-killing scream could be heard on every floor of the Sorel mansion. It went unnoticed by those busy on the top floor (i.e. Siegfried and Raphael), and Maxi and Kilik. Those who did notice shook their heads and slipped a new round into their emergency guns, preparing for the streak they knew would be passing. That's just what happened.

A massive blur of Xianghua, squealing in terror and shrieking with all the might her little lungs could muster, tore out of the bedroom and through the main dining room of the mansion where most of the others were gathered at a large table. Ivy had gathered them in preparation for the supposed 'toast'. She certainly had NOT been expecting Maxi to put the moves on Kilik, which would result in a loch ness monster-sized panic attack on Xianghua's part. That would be inconceivable.

As the blur entered the main dining room, guns began to fire. Thanks to Mitsourougi's drunken aim, he missed Xianghua and shattered a priceless antique he would later be billed for (Since it was priceless, the check would be for: Soul). Yun-seong, forced to stay at the samurai's side for company, probably came the closest to hitting the target thanks to the fuel behind his firing being his frustration with not being able to escape his 'captor'. Sophitia, sitting happily with a passed out and bandaged Taki against her bust, utilized her sword but only managed to spear a picture of Amy Sorel hanging on the other side of the room.

Xianghua managed to escape the room unscathed thanks to her freak-out boost of super freak-out speed.

However, on her way out the front door, she tripped over the trap wire Ivy had set and fell flat on her tiny nose. This successfully ended "the scream heard round the world".

Placing focus back on Maxi and Kilik, Lord Zing took a seat and grabbed some popcorn.

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After Lord Zing spent some time holding off Zasalamel to record Maxi and Kilik having fun (the tape would later be sold on the internet and/or black market for mega big bucks), Lord Zing finally allowed the one-legged deer to move.

And the one-legged deer landed on his face. He flailed and wailed, and cussed and fussed until he was standing upright and for the most part well-balanced. Even angrier due to Lord Zing, Zasalamel headed directly for the front door of the Sorel Mansion. He burst through the doors before anyone (anyone meaning Lord Zing) could stop him.

Naturally, the trip wire caught his boot and he, once again, wound up flat on his face. Ivy, quite upset that a bottom dweller had been caught, nonchalantly threw him back. Zasalamel tumbled and rolled, this time toward his destination, and had enough momentum he rolled halfway up the first set of stairs. His sickle tore slashes and gashes, and ------- This story has been interrupted by the forces of Zing to state sentences that rhyme more than once are banned from this story here on out. -------

Ahem… as Lord Zing was typing…

Zazie's sickle did a number on Raphael's walls and staircase. Half the banister collapsed. Since there was no escape from Raphael, the one-legged deer would be hunted down and he would pay for the damages – either with money or his services (Someone had to clean out the demonic horse stables). The entire charade (Not THAT Charade, he/she/it was cut from Soul Calibur III, after all.) brought silence to the table where everyone had been busy waiting for Siegfried to show.

Ivy crossed her arms haughtily at the sight of the limp figure. At that moment, a yell pierced the eerie quiet. It had originated upstairs. As though the yell were a summoning, Zasalamel was on his feet and dashing up the stairs. Amazingly, he only tripped on his robes once.

Turning attention back to the others allowed the viewers witness to the suffocation of Sophitia due to the overwhelming mass of Taki's bosom. Poor Yun-Seong's back was hurting from Mitsourougi constantly holding him under his arm. Despite their earlier carrying ons, every resident at the table, minus Voldo because he was deaf and blind and could care less what the 'crazies' were doing, moved in one big herd upstairs to see what was about to unfold. Taki, limp in Sophitia's arms, hit every step on the way up, flopping and bouncing. Though Voldo thought he would be alone, again, he did actually have company. Yoshimitsu, sitting across from him, decided to stay. Together, they played footsy/footsie/foot-see/fhootsei/phootsy.

Since Lord Zing needed enough material for Chapter Five of _A WTF Day_, Chapter Four would have to come to an end.

But don't forget to join Lord Zing for the fifth and (what is believed to be at this point) the final installment of _A WTF Day_.

NEXT: Will Siegfried ever get that toast? What will come of Zazie's seekage of revenge? What happened to Xianghua after the trap wire incident? Will Taki ever return Sophitia's feelings? Will Taki ever reap her revenge on Mitsourougi? What will Kilik's response to Maxi be? And what of Raphael's predicament?

IOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOI

Since Lord-Zing took sweet time in updating Chapter Four of _A WTF Day_, it is only proper to include some extras for the readers (Just like last chapter). Therefore, this section will be composed of an interview.

Interview Two: Maxi

Lord Zing hid a smirk and raised an eyebrow suggestively at the interview subject, "I see you highly enjoyed this chapter, if the smile on your face is any clue."

Maxi chuckled, "That much of a giveaway?"

"You're an open book. But speaking of books! Did you know I am currently writing a book wherein the main characters are based off characters I designed in Soul Calibur III's Character Creation Mode?"

Maxi's smile faded, "Oh, I've been aware. Your damn male dancer kicks my ass every time we battle." He turned his head and muttered, "Those censored tambourines."

"What do you think of the others?" Lord Zing bit the end of a pencil, amused to no end.

"His ninja friend is waaaaay too serious and that female barbarian is just scary. And that white shirt makes her hooters look _huge_!"

Lord Zing snorted but quickly caught some composure, "What do you think of my female Sword Master?"

Maxi looked annoyed but answered nonetheless, "Crazy censored. She's insane, but I'll give her credit for those nice slaughter jobs she does on Xinaghua. Now _that's_ funny!"

"At any rate, I wanted to mention some breaking news (Not so breaking anymore). I heard Soul Calibur IV for the PS3 is coming out next year. What's your opinion?"

Maxi smirked, "Well, I guess that will make this story outdated, won't it?"

Lord Zing grimaced. Maxi continued.

"Better finish it before then or you'll be screwed."

"Out of all I've given you this chapter you insist upon being cruel to me?"

Maxi flipped his hair, "It's what I do."

"I'm sure."

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Poll #3

If you could be any character from Soul Calibur III, who would you be (We're going through the whole alphabet, folks!)?

a. Abyss

b. Astaroth

c. Cervantes De Leon

d. Cassandra Alexandra

e. Sophitia Alexandra

f. Seong Mi-na

g. Hong Yun-seong

h. Heishiro Mitsourougi

i. Ivy Valentine

j. Talim

k. Kilik

l. Lizard Man

m. Maxi

n. Night Terror

o. Olcadan

p. Nightmare

q. Amy Sorel

r. Raphael Sorel

s. Siegfried Schtauffen

t. Tira

u. Taki

v. Voldo

w. Setsuka

x. Xianghua

y. Yoshimitsu

z. Zasalamel

Letter that comes after Z: Name 'em

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e. 9.27.07


End file.
